Michael Bérubé Explains It All To You

Penn State professor, amateur hockey player, and blogger Michael Bérubé, transformed for the week into a post-ironic Republican, explains the GOP's positive agenda:

And what's all this crying and moaning about how the Republicans don't have an agenda? What, you people weren't listening? Exactly how loud do we have to shout it out tonight? You want an agenda, we'll give you an agenda. Take out your little girlie-man pencil cases and start writing it down in your little newspapers:

On health care: we will knock Democrats' teeth down their throats!
On jobs: we will kick Democrats until they die of internal bleeding!
On education: we will show America that John Kerry is even more liberal than Ted Kennedy!
On the deficit: John Kerry looks French!
On the environment: John Kerry's wife is a rich foreigner! who is insane!
On corporate crime: John Kerry shot himself to get out of Vietnam! and he was never there! and he didn't even know how to fire a gun!
On intelligence and security: John Edwards is a pretty boy!
On nuclear proliferation: John Edwards is a trial lawyer!
On Iraq: Democrats are traitors!

So. You people want to debate the issues, we'll give you "issues."