Monday, May 05, 2003

A Funny Thing Happened On The Way To The WMD

This week's column is hopefully a bit different; reviews have been mixed. So far the email voting from East Valley Tribune readers is funny, 1; not funny, 1; want to go on at length about renaming Piestewa Peak, 1. Yet another close election for the Supreme Court to decide. We'll see if I have a future in WMD one-liners.

But Seriously, Folks…

East Valley Tribune, May 4, 2003

I only went to law school because vaudeville died, so with apologies to Bill Scheft, the head monologue writer for the "Late Show with David Letterman" who does this shtick weekly in Sports Illustrated, here’s “The Arizona Show”:

Glad to be here. The Arizona Cardinals considered giving up a draft choice for my column. The trade would have hurt both teams, but it would have made about as much sense as what they did do.

Piestewa Peak You wouldn’t believe the controversy over renaming Squaw Peak. It was as heated as if the Mayor of Phoenix had proposed changing the name of Phoenix Sky Harbor International Airport to honor Barry Goldwater.

Most Republicans took a “balanced” position, claiming that they certainly agreed with the general idea of honoring Lori Piestewa but sadly disapproved of the manner in which it was done. Just like what the Democrats said about having to go to war with Iraq.

You might not have known that “Piestewa” is Hopi for “staffer behaving badly.” But there’s no truth to the rumor that punishment for Mr. Diaz’s excessive exuberance is having to change his name to “Not-So-Super Mario.”

Still No WMD Found in Iraq What if all the weapons of mass destruction are hidden in the same place as the quagmire?

We’ve had plenty of initial unconfirmed reports of potential quagmires, but after further testing, they turned out to be dual-use predicaments, nonmilitary swamps, or civilian bogs.

So maybe the Bush administration wasn’t telling the truth about why we had to go to war. At least we know the President isn’t fooling around with an intern, and that’s certainly worth losing 2 million jobs over.

You may be worried about Iraq, but I’m more worried about the economy. What if the 1.4 million jobs that’ll supposedly be created by the $550 billion tax plan are as hard to find as Iraq’s WMD?

Maybe that’s the secret of the Bush economic plan -- the rich get their dividends tax-free, and 1.4 million unemployed people could go to Iraq to try to find the stuff.

Which will be more difficult to track down -- Iraqi WMD or enough votes for the GOP leadership state budget?

Tribune Series on Forests The Tribune’s three-part series on forest management tried to portray Sen. Jon Kyl as moderate working hard to find a balance between environmental extremists on one hand and on the other hand -- well, there really wasn’t anybody else on the other hand.

There’s nobody in public office who wants to cut more trees than Jon Kyl. So how can he define one extreme of the debate and still be a “moderate”? That’s like calling Charles Barkley “svelte.” Or Fox News “fair and balanced.”

Rick Santorum Talks Dirty The third-ranking member of the GOP Senate leadership says that government absolutely needs the power to make adultery and homosexual acts a crime, or Western Civilization could tumble into anarchy. Anarchy -- isn’t that a gay bar in Scottsdale?

Santorum, like many Republicans, frets that the government someday might stop you from owning guns -- but wants the government to stop you from having sex.

I guess if sex is more important to you than guns, you’re a Democrat. If guns are more important than sex, then you’re a GOP Member of Congress. There’s something Freudian in that, but this being a family newspaper, I’ll let it pass.

Will some gay guy now rename his dog “Santorum”?

I gotta go. Don’t forget to tip your waitress, and enjoy Hub Kapp and The Wheels.

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